Month: <span>July 2023</span>

When Confidence Is an Issue

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Author’s Response

I’m a 31-year-old man. I didn’t put my trust in people. I don’t see how anyone can be trusted because of the many experience I’ve had throughout my life. Once their effectiveness is above, people take what they need from others and discard it. I will always want to get close to one, just like the rest of humanity, but I don’t see how that will ever be possible given my inability to trust anyone. How can one develop confidence without experiencing the pain afterwards?

The Psychologist’s Response

While faith can be one of a relationship’s most crucial components, it can also be its most detrimental. However, it’s not all that unusual for you to find it difficult to trust another. This trouble in having faith in others could arise for a variety of factors. The most typical causes of this are prior unfavorable relationships that either helped the person develop fears of being hurt or merely reinforced already-existing or learned fears. We are all aware that faith begins quite young for all of us when we are infants and reliant on our caregivers for food, care, and comfort. We occasionally overattach to the same gender parent without ever forging a trusting relationship with people of the other gender. Our ability to trust others in the future may be impacted by those around us failing to take care of us. In close associations, failing to develop confidence can result in emotional distance. The good news is that we may learn to trust again even if we do not do so at a young age.

Understanding that it is innate in all of us to believe and connect to other people is the first step in regaining our capacity for trust. Despite having been hurt in previous relationships, I think this needed persists. But, it puts us in a situation where we want to respect people but are hesitant to act on that desire. We want to get close and personal, far from our grief, but we’re afraid to take action. Recognizing our have to put our trust in others makes us feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Being resilient is a very challenging situation for us. Some of us would rather think secure than exposed. Some people, in my experience, choose safety and solitude over happiness and attachment.

I believe that in order to advance, we must become willing to put ourselves at hazard. The possibility that we might get hurt again is a hard fact to accept. That is sometimes the result of devotion, though. Many of us must learn that even though being hurt causes us great discomfort, it won’t kill us. Although it will be challenging, we didn’t perish. We really need to have faith that we will live a breakup and make it out okay in the end. This does take some time, so it’s important to start grieving and processing the loss first. Once you accomplish this, you are prepared to move forward.

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Here are some suggestions to help you along the way:

Be patient.
Actually, just take your time. We need time to physiologically return after being hurt and experiencing a decline. To recover, put things in perspective, and sorrow, we need time and space. The desire to immediately resume a relationship with that person or one new can become overwhelming when we are suddenly overcome with feelings of loneliness. We require time to be by ourselves, only, and left. This is frequently a long time during which we develop significantly. Give yourself permission to experience that development.
Get secure.
This shouldn’t sound in conflict with what I said about being secure earlier. The idea of making healthier decisions about who you choose to remain resilient with is more what I’m referring to these. Just traumatizing yourself in one terrible relationship after another will just make things more challenging for you in the longer run. If you don’t feel secure with the other people, it’s impossible to put yourself in a new or existing condition and restore trust. We must carefully consider the circumstances we put ourselves in and determine whether they were the best ones for us to be in or return to. Before they can even start talking about rebuilding confidence, some couples I work with in which one man has cheated frequently need time to heal and then to feel safe with the other individual. I frequently advise against going again if you can’t go back to a condition that can make you feel safe.
Get honest.
Finally, be prepared to discuss your doubts and fears when starting a new relationship. Be honest about your objectives and lay out your ideas on the table so that you both have a chance to try and overcome them. You get to exercise being vulnerable with the right people here. Believe it or not, sharing and being resilient with others can really lead to the development of trust.

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One or more clinical psychology or other qualified mental health professionals have equal reviewed all of the medical content on this website. Dr. Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on, past reviewed or updated the work that was originally published by Drs. Peter Thomas, PhD on.

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Pity Following a Murder Attempt

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Problem from the Reader

I frequently spend the entire evening sitting and thinking obsessively about a subject. I’m not so positive about the time, but I try to identify and comprehend my emotions in relation to my attempted suicide three or two years ago. I occasionally feel helpless and ashamed of myself when I reflect on my attempted murder. The idea that those who are aware of my attempt believe I am helpless, terrible, and self-conscious because I tried to end my life is consuming me. In other words, I’m genuinely curious as to why I have this sinking feeling. I’m proud to say that I have a good understanding of psychology and that my feelings are out of the ordinary. I have made several attempts to learn more about it, but to no avail. I’m hoping you may at least identify the experience for me.

The Psychologist’s Response

I believe that what you are experiencing is sorrow, which many people in your position have experienced before. It is that sense of regret, grief, and grief that we all experience occasionally in existence. Pity, regrettably, can be a very damaging feeling that may worsen rather than improve our circumstances and struggles. Shame is a feeling of guilt and inadequacy that originates from within. However, that is only a portion of the challenges that someone who is recovering from an attempted murder may overcome. Another aspect that is equally terrible is shame. The world around us is where the shame comes from. Society conveys the idea that what we have done is wrong or taboo and that we are flawed in some way, poor, and uncaring.

People who have considered murder, tried to kill themselves, or actually committed suicide have a significant stigma surrounding them. Media, peer, and also family messages about death tend to paint those who are struggling with it as weak, insane, flawed, or self-centered. This mark frequently has a negative impact and does not take into account information about depression or mental chemicals. The shame simply serves to increase the shame felt by those who battle depression and suicide. Even more depressive thoughts may result from this. It’s a cycle that can go on forever for some of my customers.

Although attitudes toward suicide are gradually improving — we’ve seen many people speak out against the stigma of suicide, for instance, when Robin Williams passed away— the stigma is still so pervasive in our culture that most people, especially the elderly, are reluctant to discuss it. Death is a topic that many people are reluctant to discuss, which just makes understanding and providing assistance more challenging. We are less likely to ask for help and support from those who can offer it if we are hesitant to speak up for fear of how others may respond. A successful suicide prevention program works to lessen the shame connected to experiencing this way.

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Some facets of our community make people feel guilty about having suicidal or depressive thoughts. People are frequently referred to as” committing” suicide as they would a crime or sin. This kind of speech has been employed in an effort to dissuade individuals from committing suicide. Although our society does have good intentions, I believe that this only encourages people who are depressed to cover rather than seek the necessary assistance. It just gets worse as a result.

The most frequent statements made by my clients who have attempted suicide or were contemplating it include phrases like” I’m weak ,”” A burden to everyone ,” and” Oh, I must be crazy.” These concepts were previously discussed in my post,” 4 Tales About Suicide.” One of the worst effects of this mark is that it makes us feel as though we need to keep our emotions hidden and fight on our own, by ourselves. Being by ourselves with our melancholy just makes it worse. My clients frequently claim that they didn’t discuss it because their loved ones, friends, and doctors will not comprehend. You are not alone, but I can’t guarantee that all you want to understand may( possibly because they have accepted the stigma and negative information ). Finding others who understand is useful in recovering from a death effort because there are many people out there who have experienced this, just like you. It can be a life-changing experience whether you find them in your family, associates, social networking, or depression support group. You can find a ton of online resources, such as Waking Up Live, What Happens Nowadays?, and beyondblue, to help you start to comprehend what it means to restore from this. Many of us who know someone who is depressed are frequently hesitant to inquire about their suicidal thoughts. But, simply asking can help lessen the shame associated with it by letting people know it’s okay to talk about it.

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Interested in Friends with Instructors

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Problem from the Reader

I haven’t had many friends since I was a young child, and when I started being bullied, that number dropped to zero. When I moved to a new class and made friends, I kept that routine just in case my friends decided to leave me. I had to make friends with my professors, and over time, that’s what I got used to doing— sitting with them at breakfast and talking to them during recession. Then, whenever a professor doesn’t like me, it keeps me up at night worrying about everything I might have done incorrectly. I often want to be there for my beloved teacher to support them and ease any anxiety they may be experiencing. However, whenever I make a mistake or feel as though I’m bothering them, it’s destructive, and I feel like bringing down the god. Therefore, my query is:

Is it detrimental to hold my teacher in such high regard and to want to be associates with them rather than just being friendly? If I keep my distance?

Psychologist’s Response

It is only natural to love professors, to want to win their favor, and even to hope to become friends with them. It is simple to fall in love with teachers because they frequently possess traits we wish we possessed in ourselves, such as compassion, kindness, wisdom, compassion, and warmth. Instructors also pay attention to us, particularly when we effectively respond to questions or put forth effort. However, there are times when we overestimate the significance of the notice, wrongfully believing that our relationship with a teacher is unique from everyone else’s. All of these feelings and thoughts are normal; what matters is how we handle them and what we do with them.

When contemporaries have not been as accepting( and have instead bullied ), I can understand how teachers have been particularly kind to you and how you feel their support and friendship. Often, when we find it difficult to relate to people our own era( or when they struggle with us ), we discover that we have a lot in common with our teachers. However, just as it’s crucial to have our faculty and other reliable people serve as our safety traps( much like you did when moving to a new school ), we also need to keep learning new strategies for interacting with and developing friendships with people our own time. Some teachers does assist with these skills, but frequently a reputable advisor at the college or maybe formally licensed therapist or psychologist can provide particular tools for facilitating the development of friendships and peer relationships.

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People can get frightened or flustered around expert figures( like teachers) when they are worried about what they think of them. They may also put them on a pedestal, as you described. This may occasionally be a sign of Social Phobia or Social Anxiety Disorder. If this is the case for you, a qualified mental health professional can assist you in determining it and, in that case, you provide structured ways to help you see professors and other authority figures more realistically. Students’ responsibilities are to listen to their instructors and make the most of the lessons they are given, while teachers’ responsibilities include assisting students in learning. We start to mix boundaries that are crucial to ensuring that students learn when we begin to misinterpret the marriage as being closer.

You even mentioned wanting to support your professors at all times to ease their stress. This is a crucial edge that you could work on. It is the responsibility of other people with whom they have age-appropriate friendships and relationships, never any child’s job to help reduce stress in adults. If a tutor gets irritated, it might be because they see this line being crossed. It is appropriate to have a good relationship with savvy by paying attention to the teacher, asking for assistance with school-related issues( both the learning materials and gaze conflicts ), and following their instructions.

Yes, it can be detrimental for you to need an adult connection with your professors, to answer your question. Consider the good restrictions described below rather than viewing it as distancing. Instead of focusing on relationships with your professors, you might want to consider how to carry your need for encouragement and friendliness into your own peer relationships. My prediction is that you will get along better with your professors, care less about them, and feel better about yourself once you start experimenting with giving your same-age friends more effort( with consultant assistance if necessary ).

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One or more clinical psychology or other qualified mental health professionals have equal reviewed all of the medical content on this website. Dr. Elizabeth Chamberlain, PhD on, was the original author, and Managing Editor on next reviewed or updated the work.

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establishing limitations with a father who is abusive

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Problem from the Reader

I’m not sure what to do with my uncle any longer. I was 15 when my parents split up, and I moved in with my father. He always treated me poorly, mistreated me in every way, coerced me into believing anyone, and yet turned me against my mother throughout my entire life. During the marriage, anything he told me turned out to be his doing, not hers. I therefore trusted him for six years before getting married and leaving at the age of 22. Everything he said turned out to be false. He has changed me so drastically that I can’t help but apologize to everyone and everything. I blame myself for all, I find it impossible to laugh at jokes, and I constantly put myself down and think I have to do everything in order to satisfy my dad. It is currently severing my bond with my father. I have to visit my dad once a week, call him every evening, and comply with all of his requests. I’ve made numerous attempts to put an end to it, but each time he responds, I can’t speak; instead, it’s yelling, fighting, and also threatening to slap me. And each day I cry, I come back to him. I will lose my father, brother, and everything I own if I don’t act quickly. I don’t want to let go of my life’s one and only source of joy. I’ve been destroyed by him. I need assistance because I don’t understand what to do.

The Psychologist’s Response

It sounds like you’ve had a hard time with your father, but you have also been able to see things clearly and pay attention to the stuff you don’t want to put up with any longer. It seems like leaving his home was the first step in comprehending both his strategies and your own reactions to them.

I get the impression from your outline that two items are taking place:

  1. It is unlikely that much of your father’s character may change.
  2. You might have more control over the marriage depending on how you choose to react to your parents.

People occasionally experience a sense of helplessness and entrapment in the design of how they react to people, particularly their parents. Consider the degree of emotional and physical radius from your parents that you might be able to tolerate in these situations. I saw a lot of” have tos” in your description, but I’m not sure what will happen if you don’t agree. If someone is emotionally and physically aggressive, there isn’t a good way to stay in contact with them until the mistreatment stops. It sounds like there are risks of mistreatment when and if you engage with him.

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I’m curious as to what keeps you in touch with your dad— is it out of duty, the fictitious expectation of his approval, or something else? I’m wondering if there is a way to established firmer restrictions with him without” ending it”; the fear of you cutting him off may be driving some of this behavior when well. If he is willing to acknowledge and stop the abuse.

The first thing I would advise anyone in this circumstance to do is sit down and create a plan that would work and feel secure for you when speaking with your parents. If it were up to you, how frequently would you want to test in with him on the phone, putting away his needs and needs? How frequently would you like to discover him? After the manner he’s treated you, would you want any touch with him at all?

It might be beneficial for the two of you to sit down with a neutral third party( such as an authorized counselor or licensed counselor) to find ways to communicate these limitations with him so that he can hear them once you are more aware of your needs in the partnership( and have made up your mind whether you want to date him with all ). Starting with” Dad, I love you and want you to be a part of our life, but I have my own home that I sometimes have to put first” can be helpful. May we arrange to meet somewhere in the center? Another strategy might be to start ignoring his names and offers and responding to or accepting them just when you have the time and energy to do so( as well as for him ). You are free to impose restrictions on your own time and energy because they are yours. You have the right to quietly leave or hang up the phone if he yells and screams. It’s crucial that you intentionally try to get in touch with him when using this strategy, particularly if you’re both in a relaxed, balanced mood. When you’re enraged or frustrated, trying to make adjustments will only make the issues you already have worse.

It can be very difficult to set boundaries with parents, or with others in our lives who pull for us to pay attention to them. Your anger toward your father is valid; it’s finding a way to effectively communicate that anger and set your own boundaries that is difficult. Talking to a licensed mental health provider may be most helpful for you given the pain you’ve experienced. I would also suggest reading Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Anger as another resource in figuring out how to express your feelings clearly while navigating this difficult relationship.

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Getting Through a Breakdown

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Problem from the Reader

I recently experienced a difficult divorce. I was really curious if there was anyone out there who could give me advice on how to move on.

Response from a psychologist

One of the unsettling realities of relationships is that they eventually come to an end, oftentimes on our own volition and other times in ways completely beyond our control. Regardless, if we can’t learn to cope and eventually return, losing someone we care about can result in friendship stress. If we have constantly struggled with friendship trauma over the years, we may consider these feelings lingering and resurfacing in our new associations.

After a separation or divorce, one of the best ways to reduce the amount of intimacy stress we experience is to start paying close attention to the conversations we are having with ourselves. We must pay attention to the stories we are telling ourselves about the damage. Here are a few of the typical post-breakup meetings my customers have with themselves.

I am helpless without them! They must be a part of my career.
These are some of the most frequent ideas we have right away following a detachment that cause us to feel desperate and anxious. The people we care about and enjoy grow to be very significant in our lives. However, we must keep in mind that there was a time in your life when this man was not present, regardless of how close they were to you. Before you met them, there was a time. You were able to live without them for a while before running into them, correct? On some level, you must tell yourself that you can get by without them during the discussion with yourself. Your life has meaning outside of your marriage; perhaps you simply lost sight of it along the way.
I’ll go to any lengths to find them again.
I frequently hear this. We may experience a whirl of panic and despair due to our fear of being alone or our need to avoid the loss we are going through. The unvarnished truth is that until we acknowledge that a marriage has been lost, we won’t be able to move past it. One of the hardest things to do can be to allow yourself to accept the truth about what has happened. You can continue to deny, haggle, beg for pardon, and make promises that things will change, but you won’t start to feel better until you accept the truth of the situation. I know it sounds violent, but holding out hope that you two will reconcile will just make you take longer to recover. It can be very difficult to let that go and give in to the healing.
Who will want me in the future?
Feelings of doubt and self-blame may simply result from being dumped or losing a marriage. We can easily persuade ourselves that one rejection will result in another, another refusal, and finally the ultimate outcome of being alone for the rest of forever. The truth is that it hurts to be rejected or turned aside. In that dialogue with yourself, it’s tempting to assume that there is something incorrect with you. The majority of the divorce I’ve witnessed have involved two-way streets. That is to say, mistakes or faults are often the problem of just one person. Being in a marriage necessitates that both parties contribute to the relationship’s sustainability. The connection is unlikely to last if one or both parties are unable to do this, and possibly even don’t. Your internal dialogue needs to acknowledge your role in the divorce but also acknowledge that it is not entirely your fault. It takes two people to begin a relationship and two more to stop it.
I didn’t get by myself.
It’s usually a bad idea to start dating again right away after an emotionally draining separation. We frequently act in this way to combat our grief. We believe that if we can divert our attention to a new activity, it does protect us from unpleasant emotions. The fact is that you are currently experiencing both the pressure of a new marriage and the grief of an existing one. What might have really been the ideal connection for you could be completely ruined by that. To mourn our loses, we must have occasion. Although everyone has different amounts of time, many of us mistakenly believe that we are prepared to begin a new one. Where you are physically in your treatment needs to be discussed in the self-talk. Do you still have the pervious person on your regular mind? Are you still scared and alone? Have you matured enough to provide a stable environment for your upcoming marriage?

You can start talking to yourself about this right away if you’re going through a divorce. If you need to, say it out loud. Provide yourself the space and time to begin your healing process. If necessary, a blog can help you see your development. There are also aid groups for loss and grief. Ask a counselor for assistance if these emotions completely overwhelm you, which they can.

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When Your Desire Is Taken Away by Depression

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Writer’s Response

I have no idea what’s wrong with me. I’m envious of those who enjoy foods because I never get to enjoy it as much. Most issues don’t interest me at all. I don’t feel depressed or sad very frequently; instead, I really feel empty and uninspired. If I ever feel inspired to do something, it vanishes in an instant. Going to the gym used to be fun for me, and it felt fantastic. Five years have passed since then. I find it difficult to exercise right then. I don’t think content about being around friends or new people whenever I sit with them; neither do I experience any feelings of pleasure. I adore math, science, and computer technology, but whenever I find myself involved in one of these fields, I just didn’t seem to focus on it because I discover that doing the things I most enjoy is not enjoyable. I don’t experience any sense of relief or happiness. I experience this overpowering sense of emptiness once or twice a month, lasting from weeks to months. Maybe I don’t actually care to eat or drink because I have no interest in doing so. This doesn’t appear to be a case of despair. Is that even feasible?

The Psychologist’s Response

Anhedonia, a significant aspect of sadness, is what you describe in large part. Simply put, anhedonia is the inability to enjoy activities that are typically entertaining or enjoyable. It frequently manifests as a lack of motivation to do the things you enjoy doing or an absence of enjoyment from the activities you typically enjoy, also known as” avolition.” Some of my patients have depression as a significant component of their depression, maybe even more so than simply feeling down or depressed. Many people describe it as ongoing feelings of loneliness, never boredom but rather hopelessness, loneliness, or isolation. I observe depression most frequently as a factor in decreased sex drive and cultural isolation.

Although depression is most often linked to depression, it can also be found in psychosis, anxiety, and personality disorders, albeit less often. According to some researchers, depression may cause the brain’s pleasure facility to shut down, making it challenging to feel good and essentially limiting the amount of satisfaction we may experience. Others have argued that anhedonia restricts how much we may feel good, so even when we do, it doesn’t last long enough to matter.

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Regardless of the cause, lethargy is frequently quite difficult and can hinder the recovery from depression by making it harder to work, advance, and make an effort. It can be challenging to muster the motivation to advance, especially if you don’t feel like it. But it is necessary to aid in your treatment. Making an effort to maintain as much of your regular schedule as you can can have a significant impact. Fighting those urges can help you get out of the way you’ve been feeling, even though depression and despair can make us want to take out, stay in bed all morning, and ignore the relationships we need. Getting out of bed does occasionally be the first step. after which getting dressed. next a meal. therefore start taking the next step. Start off by taking it in little steps. Before you even start to consider the next step, carriage yourself through each one. Basic exercise, even in small doses, has been found to significantly reduce depression. Exercise, even in small doses, will release toxins in your mind that improve mood and motivation. A great way to getting started is to go for a stroll. Getting up and start moving. Another solution that benefits many is medication. Antidepressants that act quickly are thought to help the brain regain its capacity for joy. Although drugs may have some drawbacks, the entire benefit frequently outweighs them.

Self-shaming or being self-critical about this is one point to watch out for. Anhedonia affects many active and productive persons, who frequently view it as a defect in their personalities. They refer to themselves as sad, slow, and lazy. I observe this in people who had incredibly higher levels of production and exercise prior to the onset of their depression. We must keep in mind that this is a brain-based cerebral and chemical process. Anyone in this position needs to be aware that the depression is having an effect on your brain. It’s not something you did, and it doesn’t mean that your identity as a person has changed permanently. Criticizing yourself to get moving and leave, humiliating yourself, or” guilting” yourself into doing better will probably only make you feel worse. Adding small self-esteem to your melancholy won’t help and will only make things worse. Go easy on yourself if you’re in this situation. Motivation will inspire you more than guilt and shame. Treatment is a procedure. Allow yourself to go through that process without worrying about how long it will” should” take for you to recover. I have never witnessed people” yell and scream” at themselves to feel better while working with a lot of unhappy people. I would say,” You can do this ,” to anyone in this situation. You possess this.

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A Depressive Friend’s Assistance

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Writer’s Response

I recently received my psychology degree, and a really close friend of mine is suicidal, self-harming, or depressed. I feel obligated to assist him, but he continues to refuse, thinking that nothing can be done to stop him. I used to believe that depressed people frequently refuse assistance, so I may only give it my all. We communicate every day, but only through words. We never speak on the phone, we don’t match frequently, and occasionally, yet when we have plans in place, he abruptly cancels, declaring himself to be unmotivated. The fact remains that maintaining his trust is essential because it is the only man he confides in. What ought I to accomplish? If I give him some room or try to assist him in another way?

Response from a psychologist

It can be difficult to feel helpless and powerless to have someone close to you who is dealing with depressive feelings and despair. You have, nevertheless, now taken the first step toward assisting and making a difference by noticing. Sometimes it can be very effective and powerful to simply notice and express problem. Many people are familiar with someone who suffers from depression, and some may even be acquainted with a nearby friend who has committed or attempted murder. Every year, over 30,000 Americans commit murder, and about 800,000 attempt death. Although it’s a quite prevalent issue, the shame associated with it prevents us from speaking up about it, which is what we should be doing to help.

One proactive measure that I have observed helps some of my depressive clients is talking about death. But I frequently hear people question,” Didn’t it just promote it if I talk about it?” Will it not simply offer them the plan? No, no really, is the response. The depressive person may actually relieve anxiety and feeling connected to encouraging people like you by discussing the emotional content surrounding suicide, such as depression and hopelessness. Although it’s not always a pleasant talk, don’t let that stop you. It’s acceptable to be honest if you have a sneaking suspicion that someone is considering it. The information that it’s inappropriate to talk about it can be conveyed by avoiding the subject or going around in circles. You could just say,” I was wondering if you might have thought about hurting yourself, given the problems you’re in.” If the response is” yes ,” you might want to find out if they have any specific plans or ways in mind for how they would go about doing it. People who have given death serious thought may have gone ahead and made ideas or taken action to harm themselves. When you know that’s what they intend to do, working with them to restrict their access to their plans, such as removing artillery or pill hideouts, is simpler. It’s not the answer to ignore it and only hope it will go away. Don’t allow ease or issues deter you from asking. Asking is beneficial because it demonstrates your attention.

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Interestingly, friends should never consent to keeping suicidal thoughts private. Individuals are unable to discuss it due to privacy. It’s acceptable to talk to them about who to speak with and who not to. Speaking to some people who may not be very encouraging can really make one feel more sad and alone. But, we must keep them engaged in conversation, and keeping it a secret just stops that.

You’d be amazed at how frequently people are open to discussing it. The majority of depressive people don’t want their lives to stop; instead, they want to find solace and get away from their suffering. Talking about it can make you feel better. It might be simpler than you think to continue the conversation once you get them talking.

The next step in helping is really quite simple: just keep calm and pay attention. The majority of my suicidal consumers claim that when they feel like they have been heard, they frequently feel better for a while. Don’t feel obligated to address or resolve their issues. Many people are now aware of what they must complete to improve their mood. They simply require encouragement and support to complete it. Their desire to find solutions is frequently stifled by despair. They may be able to move toward healing with just your encouragement and hope.

Getting the homicidal individual the assistance they require is where you can be more direct in your assistance. The next crucial step can be to assist them in locating resources like death problems lines, treatments, psychiatrists, and hospitals.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which is free, confidential, and available around-the-clock, is one source. It is located at 1 – 800 – 273 TALK( 8255 ). If speaking to someone makes you uncomfortable, there are even online crisis centers and crisis action via Skype or text.

If you want to learn more about death and those who are considering it, please read my article on legends surrounding death.

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One or more scientific psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals peer review all of the medical content on this website. Dr. Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on, past reviewed or updated the work that was originally published by Drs. Peter Thomas, PhD on.

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Getting Over Fear

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Ask Your Personal Problem!

Problem from the Reader

Is it typical to still be excruciatingly quiet at the age of about 40? I live with my two children and have very few companions. Some of my coworkers don’t interact with me very much at work, and I tend to stay to myself a lot because I get really anxious around too many of them at once. Since I occasionally simply lack the ability to make small talk( which I even find to be a waste of time ), I generally avoid sessions and social gatherings. Since I don’t have a social life and am conscious that I frequently come across as nervous, awkward, and stupid, I also find myself to be somewhat boring. On Sunday mornings, I occasionally experience severe depression and anxiety because I know that Monday will bring up work.

I also want to begin a relationship with somebody new, but I’m not sure how to go about it. I believe I act like a schoolgirl and feel like I’m psychologically poor. In comparison to my peers, who have well-balanced households and active social lives, I also feel incredibly superior. I usually aspire to be more like them. Maybe I feel truly alone. At this point in my life, I simply don’t know what to do with myself, and I notice that I’m becoming more and more lonely and sad. I am aware that I need to get out and interact with people, but I’m not sure where to start or how to do it without coming across as phony, anxious, or terrible. Simply put, I’m at a loss for what to do.

Response from a psychologist

To answer your first question, yes, shyness is a common personality trait and is normal, no matter what age. In some cultures, shyness is seen as a positive trait — but because Western culture is very outgoing, it can be difficult to feel as if others experience shyness as well. It’s also very normal to want to have one or two close friends, or to have deeper conversation with one person rather than making small talk with acquaintances. Some individuals find it helpful to know that others are like this, and that a construct called Introversion (from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, MBTI) exists. Individuals who score higher on the Introversion (rather than Extraversion) end of the scale often feel drained if they have to interact with many people or make small talk — they tend to get their energy from their own thoughts and ideas and can become easily overwhelmed at parties or other large social gatherings. Some introverted individuals are also very sensitive, and find support in books such as The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, PhD.

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You seem to have some effective relationships based on what you’ve said, including having two kids, having some companions, and being able to work in an office setting. I wonder if anything has changed in your life since therefore because you were able to form those relationships in the past.

I you appreciate how challenging it can be to experience dread and fear as you get closer to worrying and anxious situations. Finding a qualified mental health professional to rule out Social Anxiety Disorder and to assist with increasing your pleasure answer in social situations may be helpful if the fear is considerably interfering with your cultural, work, and other important areas. They can also assist in examining the ideas that are causing more anxiety( such as” I look nervous, awkward, and stupid”) and the ones that follow( which, for instance, might be” no one wants to be friends with me ,”” others are just being nice to me because they have to ,” or” everyone’s looking at me and judging me”). A psychologist or other qualified mental health professional can assist you in sorting through these feelings and thoughts more effectively and in figuring out how to achieve your interpersonal relationship goals.

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One or more clinical psychology or other qualified mental health professionals have equal reviewed all of the medical content on this website. Initially released by Dr. Elizabeth Chamberlain, Doctorate on, and most recently reviewed or updated by Managing Editor on Greg Mulhauser.

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Getting Motivated to Work

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Problem from the Reader

Since I lost my job a few months ago, I haven’t been motivated to do anything at all. Today I came to the realization that what I initially believed to be a work-related behavior pattern may really be applicable to my entire life. Namely: Unless under pressure or given a lot of duty, I flounder. I find it strange, but I first became aware of it when I was only a humble employee making the barest minimum to get by at my first job. I was drowsy. Although I was also a good employee, I finally received the promotion to manager. As soon as I felt in charge of something, everything for me changed. I started caring about what I was doing about immediately, had put in extra effort, and was actively involved in every aspect of it. I really developed into a fantastic staff because I loved it. Since then, every job has been the same: I can hardly accomplish anything unless someone is actually depending on me to control something crucial.

I’ve never really been in a situation where my financial commitment is essential, and my lover makes enough money to support us. I didn’t realize that perhaps it’s making me feel pointless, depriving my existence of the obligation I long for.

The fact that identifying the issue doesn’t support is, in my opinion, the biggest issue. Even though I am aware that I would begin to return to my normal soul if I simply forced myself to look for employment, volunteer work, or ANYTHING that would encourage those feelings of duty, it doesn’t help. I simply don’t seem to give a damn. How then do I end the period? And why do I need stress so much that I never just thrive under it?

Response from a psychologist

You seem to have realized how much pressure resembles an ocean wave. We seek the ideal wave, similar to surfers, one that is neither too powerful nor too weak to help us land upright on our boards. When the stress is very high, we frequently succumb to the flood or lose our footing before reaching our destination. For fear of failing and falling, we occasionally simply steer clear of the powerful storm. On the other hand, when pressure is too low, we frequently lack the speed to accomplish our objectives, and the influx fizzles out very quickly, which is what it appears you are going through.

However, I believe you’ve done some really good projecting and are starting to see patterns and requirements for a larger lake. The connection between your needs and your atmosphere is what isn’t working properly, not something inside of you. Additionally, I have a sneaking suspicion that the circumstances surrounding how your previous employment ended— which, it would seem, was not of your choosing— may be making it even harder for you to muster the motivation to worry.

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When someone loses their job, it is frequently think very much like grief. A job loss may result in a number of losses, such as the reduction of construction, accountability, social contacts, and an everyday place to go. We frequently don’t think like ourselves when we are grieving after losing someone. We experience increased sluggishness, fatigue, changes in taste, loneliness, and problems interacting with others. The pressure to find a new work combined with these challenges can be even more crippling. In these circumstances, it can be beneficial to discuss the damage with a trustworthy friend or mental health professional, to take better care of oneself, and to find ways to release the pressure of looking for work until you have considered what the task meant and what it means to not have it right now.

Finding someone who specializes in technical guidance may also be beneficial after going through the grief process because many coaching psychologists have training in career assessment and growth. In order to find a great person-environment fit for you that will be more inspiring and motivating, an experienced professional may work with you to discover your interests, skills, and values. Finding something important and pleasant may be worth the time and effort for you right now because work is a crucial component of our lives and identities. As you consider possible career paths, it may be helpful to learn more about who you are and how you might grow on a larger wave.

Please examine the Important Disclaimer.

One or more clinical psychology or other qualified mental health professionals have equal reviewed all of the medical content on this website. Initially released by Dr. Elizabeth Chamberlain, PhD on, and most recently reviewed or updated by Managing Editor on Greg Mulhauser.

To consult a doctor, all copyrights for this content are reserved.

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