Getting Through a Breakdown

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Problem from the Reader

I recently experienced a difficult divorce. I was really curious if there was anyone out there who could give me advice on how to move on.

Response from a psychologist

One of the unsettling realities of relationships is that they eventually come to an end, oftentimes on our own volition and other times in ways completely beyond our control. Regardless, if we can’t learn to cope and eventually return, losing someone we care about can result in friendship stress. If we have constantly struggled with friendship trauma over the years, we may consider these feelings lingering and resurfacing in our new associations.

After a separation or divorce, one of the best ways to reduce the amount of intimacy stress we experience is to start paying close attention to the conversations we are having with ourselves. We must pay attention to the stories we are telling ourselves about the damage. Here are a few of the typical post-breakup meetings my customers have with themselves.

I am helpless without them! They must be a part of my career.
These are some of the most frequent ideas we have right away following a detachment that cause us to feel desperate and anxious. The people we care about and enjoy grow to be very significant in our lives. However, we must keep in mind that there was a time in your life when this man was not present, regardless of how close they were to you. Before you met them, there was a time. You were able to live without them for a while before running into them, correct? On some level, you must tell yourself that you can get by without them during the discussion with yourself. Your life has meaning outside of your marriage; perhaps you simply lost sight of it along the way.
I’ll go to any lengths to find them again.
I frequently hear this. We may experience a whirl of panic and despair due to our fear of being alone or our need to avoid the loss we are going through. The unvarnished truth is that until we acknowledge that a marriage has been lost, we won’t be able to move past it. One of the hardest things to do can be to allow yourself to accept the truth about what has happened. You can continue to deny, haggle, beg for pardon, and make promises that things will change, but you won’t start to feel better until you accept the truth of the situation. I know it sounds violent, but holding out hope that you two will reconcile will just make you take longer to recover. It can be very difficult to let that go and give in to the healing.
Who will want me in the future?
Feelings of doubt and self-blame may simply result from being dumped or losing a marriage. We can easily persuade ourselves that one rejection will result in another, another refusal, and finally the ultimate outcome of being alone for the rest of forever. The truth is that it hurts to be rejected or turned aside. In that dialogue with yourself, it’s tempting to assume that there is something incorrect with you. The majority of the divorce I’ve witnessed have involved two-way streets. That is to say, mistakes or faults are often the problem of just one person. Being in a marriage necessitates that both parties contribute to the relationship’s sustainability. The connection is unlikely to last if one or both parties are unable to do this, and possibly even don’t. Your internal dialogue needs to acknowledge your role in the divorce but also acknowledge that it is not entirely your fault. It takes two people to begin a relationship and two more to stop it.
I didn’t get by myself.
It’s usually a bad idea to start dating again right away after an emotionally draining separation. We frequently act in this way to combat our grief. We believe that if we can divert our attention to a new activity, it does protect us from unpleasant emotions. The fact is that you are currently experiencing both the pressure of a new marriage and the grief of an existing one. What might have really been the ideal connection for you could be completely ruined by that. To mourn our loses, we must have occasion. Although everyone has different amounts of time, many of us mistakenly believe that we are prepared to begin a new one. Where you are physically in your treatment needs to be discussed in the self-talk. Do you still have the pervious person on your regular mind? Are you still scared and alone? Have you matured enough to provide a stable environment for your upcoming marriage?

You can start talking to yourself about this right away if you’re going through a divorce. If you need to, say it out loud. Provide yourself the space and time to begin your healing process. If necessary, a blog can help you see your development. There are also aid groups for loss and grief. Ask a counselor for assistance if these emotions completely overwhelm you, which they can.

Please review the Important Disclaimer.

One or more clinical psychology or other qualified mental health professionals have peer reviewed all of the medical content on this website. Dr. Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on, past reviewed or updated the work that was originally published by Drs. Peter Thomas, PhD on.

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