Getting Through a Separation

Writer’s Response

I recently experienced a difficult divorce. I was really curious if there was anyone out there who could give me advice on how to move on.

The Psychologist’s Response

One of the unsettling realities of relationships is that they eventually come to an end, oftentimes on our own volition and other times in ways completely beyond our control. Regardless, if we can’t learn to cope and eventually return, losing someone we care about can result in friendship injury. If we have constantly struggled with intimacy stress over the years, we may notice these feelings lingering and resurfacing in our new associations.

After a separation or divorce, one way to reduce the amount of intimacy trauma we experience is to start paying close attention to our own conversations. We must pay attention to the loss-related stories we are telling ourselves. Here are some of the typical self-talk that my customers have after a divorce.

I am helpless without them! They must be a part of my career.

These are some of the most frequent ideas we have right away following a detachment that cause us to feel desperate and anxious. Our life become extremely important because of the people we care about and love. However, we must keep in mind that there was a time in your life when this man was no present, regardless of how close they were to you. Before you met them, there was a time. You managed to live without them long enough to eventually run into them, correct? On some level, you need to tell yourself that you can get by without them during the discussion with yourself. Your career has purpose outside of your relationship; perhaps you simply lost sight of it.

To find them again, I’ll go to any lengths.

I frequently hear this. We may experience a whirl of panic and despair due to our fear of being alone or our need to avoid the loss we are going through. The unvarnished truth is that until we acknowledge that the loss of a marriage has occurred, we cannot fully return from it. One of the hardest things to do can be to allow yourself to accept the truth about what has happened. You can continue to deny, haggle, beg for forgiveness, and make promises that things will change, but you won’t start to feel better until you accept truth. I know it sounds violent, but holding out hope that you two will reconcile will just make you take longer to recover. It can be very difficult to let go of that and give in to the treatment.

Who will want me in the future?

Being dumped or losing a relation can quickly lead to feelings of guilt and self-doubt. We can easily persuade ourselves that each rejection will result in more, more rejections, and ultimately the outcome of remaining single for the rest of forever. The truth is that it hurts to be rejected or turned aside. In that dialogue with yourself, it’s easy to assume that something is wrong with you. I’ve seen practically no divorce other than two-way roads. By that, I mean that mistakes or faults are often the mistake of just one person. Being in a marriage necessitates that both parties contribute to the relationship’s sustainability. The relationship is unlikely to last— and possibly shouldn’t — if one or both parties are unable to do this. Your internal dialogue needs to acknowledge your role in the divorce but also acknowledge that it is not entirely your fault. It takes two people to begin a marriage and two more to stop it.

I can’t get by myself.

After a damaging breakup, entering into another relationship is usually naive to how you’re feeling. We frequently act in this way to combat our grief. We believe that finding a new interest will help us overcome tough emotions. The fact is that you are currently juggling the pressure of a new relationship while also grieving the previous one. What might have been the ideal connection for you could be completely ruined by that. To mourn our loss, we must have time. Although everyone has different amounts of time, many of us mistakenly believe that we are prepared to begin a new one. Where you are physically in your treatment needs to be discussed in the self-talk. Do you still have the pervious people on your mind every day? Are you still scared and alone? Have you matured enough to provide a stable environment for your upcoming marriage?

You can start talking to yourself about this right away if you’re going through a divorce. If you need to, discuss it through out quiet. Give yourself enough time and space to begin your healing method. If necessary, a blog can assist you in tracking your progress. There are help groups for loss and grief because also. Ask a doctor for assistance if these emotions completely overwhelm you, which they can.