Category: <span>Therapy</span>

Anxiety Children Therapy Confidence Couples Therapy Depression Individual Treatment Self-improvement Stress Teenage Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Setting Boundaries with Abusive Father

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Reader’s Question

I don’t know what to do anymore with my dad. When my parents divorced, I was 15 and I left with my dad. My whole life he always put me down, abused me in every way, manipulated me to believe anything, and even turned me against my mom. Everything he told me during the divorce turned out to be what he did, not her. So for 6 years I believed him, until I got with my husband and moved out at age 22. It turned out everything he said was a lie. He has changed me so badly that I can’t help but say sorry to anything, I blame myself for everything, I can’t take jokes no matter how small, I always put myself down, I always believe I have to do everything, and also I have to always please my father. It is now destroying my relationship with my husband. I have to call my father every day, see him once a week, and do anything he asks. I have tried so many times to end it but when he fights back, I’m not allowed to speak, he yells, fights, and even threatens to slap me. And every time I break down and back down to him. If I don’t do something soon I will lose my husband, son, everything I have. I don’t want to lose the first and only happiness in my life. He has destroyed me. I don’t know what to do and I need help.

Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like you’ve been through some difficult years with your dad, but have also been able to gain perspective and notice the things that you don’t want to tolerate any longer. Moving out of his house seems like it was the first step to understanding his tactics as well as your own responses to them.

From your description, I get the sense that two things are happening:

  1. Your father is who he is, and it is doubtful that much of that will change.
  2. How you choose to respond to your father may give you more control in the relationship.

Sometimes, people feel powerless and trapped in the pattern of how they respond to others — especially parents. In these instances, it can be helpful to think about the amount of emotional and physical distance from your father that you might be able to tolerate. I noticed a lot of “have to’s” in your description, but I’m unsure what the consequences are if you don’t acquiesce. It sounds as if there are threats of abuse when and if you engage with him — and if someone is emotionally and physically abusive, there isn’t a healthy way to keep in contact with that individual until the abuse stops.

I’m wondering what keeps you connected to your father — is it out of obligation, the false hope of getting recognition from him, or something else? If he is willing to acknowledge and cease the abuse, I’m wondering if there is a way to set firmer boundaries without “ending it” with him — the fear of you cutting him off may be driving some of this behavior as well.

The first step I would recommend for anyone in a situation like this is to sit down and write out a schedule that would work and feel safe for you in terms of communicating with your father. Putting aside his demands and needs, if it were up to you, how often would you want to check in with him on the phone? How often would you want to see him? Would you want any contact at all with him after the way he’s treated you?

Once you have a better idea of what your needs are in the relationship (and have decided whether you want to have a relationship with him at all), it may be helpful for the two of you to sit down with a neutral third party (such as a licensed psychologist or licensed therapist) to find ways to communicate these boundaries with him in a way he can hear. It can be helpful to start with something like “Dad, I love you and want you to be part of our lives, but I have my own family that I have to put first sometimes. Can we find a way to meet someplace in the middle?” Another approach might be just to begin ignoring his calls and bids, and answering or agreeing to them only when you have the time and energy for them (and for him). You have every right to set limits on your own time and energy: they belong to you. If he yells and screams, you have the right to calmly leave or hang up the phone. In this approach, it is important for you to make a conscious effort to reach out to him — especially when you are both in a calm, neutral state. Trying to make changes when flooded with anger or frustration will only escalate the problems that already exist between you.

It can be very difficult to set boundaries with parents, or with others in our lives who pull for us to pay attention to them. Your anger toward your father is valid; it’s finding a way to effectively communicate that anger and set your own boundaries that is difficult. Talking to a licensed mental health provider may be most helpful for you given the pain you’ve experienced. I would also suggest reading Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Anger [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] as another resource in figuring out how to express your feelings clearly while navigating this difficult relationship.

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Depression Individual Treatment Self-improvement Stress Teenage Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Unloading Stress Before it Explodes

 

Reader’s Question

I have a very stressful job in IT. I love my job — it’s probably the best job I’ve had. But I let the stress build up like a bag of garbage and I carry it around for months. Then, I usually let the bag explode on the people I love. It is usually when something is said at home. The last time I blew up I said a lot of things and did a lot of things I don’t remember. I just remember this boiling feeling rise up inside of me. My wife told me about what I said and did, but I don’t remember it. I need something that will keep me from carrying around this garbage and letting it explode.

Psychologist’s Reply

What a great way to describe how stress and frustration can build and burst when we don’t have ways to manage it or prevent ourselves from releasing it as it comes. Many people experience stress and other difficulties in the way you’ve described — they just ignore it or hope it will go away until it then takes over in a very uncontrollable way. Thankfully, there are strategies that can help anyone to pay better attention to the stresses as they come and find constructive ways to manage them rather than having them manage you.

The first step is to begin to notice and pay attention to stress itself. Do you notice it, but push it aside? Or, do you only notice the stress when it’s too late? Begin to pay attention to stress itself — especially in your body. Some people feel stress in their neck/shoulders, some feel tightness in their head, chest, or stomach. Where is your stress?

The next step is to begin to notice the events that happen before you feel the stress. Is it something someone says? Is it a work deadline you receive? Is it interpersonal tension at the office? What are the situations that seem to influence the stress?

Once you’ve noticed how the stress feels and the events that happen before the stress comes, you can begin to think more about the stressful situations — particularly the thoughts that come to you about the situations. For example, after being given a deadline, some automatic thoughts might be: “Are they crazy? That’s too soon!” or “I’ll never meet this deadline.” Notice what other thoughts snowball afterward — perhaps thoughts such as “How will I get my other work finished?” or “How will I have time to go to my kid’s game this weekend?” or “I’ll never get any down time this week,” etc.

Some people have found help in the research supported Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) to help them better explore and release the stressful thoughts that can build. The program has been adapted into several workbooks that are very easy to use. The overall goal of MBSR is to build your mindfulness “muscle” through short daily practice, so that when stress comes you can manage it easily instead of letting it build, carrying it around with you, then having it explode when you least expect it.

For anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation, I like to recommend the workbook by Bob Stahl, PhD and Elisha Goldstein, PhD, A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. It might be worth trying instead of carrying such a heavy load with you all the time.

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Depression Self-improvement Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Hating Your Body After Pregnancy

 

Reader’s Question

My husband and I had a child about 10 months ago. Due to complications during delivery I had to have a c-section. Next month will mark 1 year since my husband and I had intercourse. It’s not from a lack of trying on his end. I only weigh about 10lbs more than my pre-pregnancy weight, but I can’t even stand the thought of being naked, which completely deters me from wanting to have intercourse — and don’t get me started on my scar from the cesarean section. I am afraid of getting pregnant again even though I am on the depo shot due to getting pregnant while on the pill. I wouldn’t change anything because my son was born healthy and safe. Is this normal? And is there anything that I can do to help this?

Psychologist’s Reply

After pregnancy, it is incredibly common to have negative feelings towards one’s body. These feelings can often translate into diminished desire for intercourse. It is usually not the specific type of scar or exact amount of weight gain that impacts one’s self-esteem and body image. More so, it is how you felt about your body prior to pregnancy and how you cope with all these changes that matters. For anyone in this position, try this: pause for a second and absorb that for 40 weeks (10 months) you had no real control over how your body changed. As you think about this, what feelings or emotions came up? The first step is to give yourself permission to process those feelings by talking them through with your spouse, friends or a professional counselor.

Next, let’s try to understand why these feelings may occur. During pregnancy, many expectant mothers feel they have lost control over their bodies. This loss of control often results in feeling distant and/or wanting to control their bodily needs post pregnancy. During the first year of motherhood, women are also learning how to respond to their babies’ needs and often overlook their own. Complaints about not having time to shower, sleep, use the restroom or eat a full meal are commonplace. As such, on a daily basis, they are constantly ignoring and distancing themselves from their bodily needs in efforts to raise a child. The body that they knew for 20-40 years prior to pregnancy can feel very different from their current one. And many women weren’t happy with their bodies prior to pregnancy. During periods of change and stress, pre-existing negative feelings can intensify.

A good starting point to address these feelings is to critically examine your emotions and current lifestyle. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • How did you feel about your body before pregnancy?
  • What areas of your life do you feel you have control over?
  • Has your schedule drastically changed?
  • Do you have any time for just you, without your child or spouse?
  • Can you spend any time getting to know your new body through meditation/yoga/exercise?

Try to start cultivating love for the body you currently have. In your specific case — and I appreciate this is more easily said than done — consider reframing how you see that c-section scar and weight change. These changes can symbolize the miracle of life…the proof that you brought a child into the world.

It is especially important to pay attention to the negative thoughts and/or critical statements you may say to yourself or to others about your body. Common negative self-talk statements include terms such as always, never, should, and could. When you hear yourself saying them, try to ask yourself: Is this really true? Are there any exceptions? Would I say this about someone else? This process is part of a set of cognitive behavioral techniques used to reduce negative self-talk. Increasing awareness of how often you engage in negative self-talk and countering it with more positive statements can be helpful.

In terms of the worry about becoming pregnant again, some women find it helpful to return to their OB/GYN for reassurance about pregnancy rates of the specific birth control method being used. Others also chart their ovulation to assist with ensuring they are not having intercourse during fertile periods. When you find yourself getting worried about becoming pregnant, you can try reminding yourself of these facts to help manage the anxiety. For example, “I know I am scared of getting pregnant, but the doctor mentioned that research shows X people get pregnant while on Depo. Also, I am not ovulating during this time period so the chance of pregnancy is less than Y.” Creating an inner dialogue to help counter your anxiety is often helpful.

Some couples find it helpful to rekindle their intimacy by beginning with non-sexual touch and gradually increasing their levels of physical touch. Many new parents find it useful to seek individual or couples counseling to gain assistance in navigating the multiple transitions with parenthood.

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Anxiety Teenage Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Quick to Anger

 

Reader’s Question

I’m a 22-year-old girl and I’m a medical student. My problem is that I get angry SO FAST! I don’t know how to control my anger and I feel really bad when I keep my rage inside!

Psychologist’s Reply

Anger is one of those common emotional states that historically brings on behaviors that we can regret and that cause us and those around us discomfort and pain. Many of those I work with who struggle with their anger relate, like you, that it often comes on fast and strong. There are many sources that can bring on anger and rage. For many, common contributors to anger include stress and depression. Being a medical student, I’m sure you can identify with the stress aspect, but depression can often be a source as well. Often we think depression keeps us sad and lethargic, far from anger. However, anger and depression can be closely associated.

With depression often comes two very important collaborating emotions — fear and pain. Anger is often a secondary emotion to a response we are already having. Fear can arouse anger when we are in our fight or flight response to some stressor. Pain can be a bit more complex. Often under our anger are feelings of hurt and emotional pain. This emotional state is quite — well, painful. Sometimes I think to avoid or escape this emotional state we jump up to anger to search for relief. Most of my clients will tell me it is easier to feel angry than feel sad, depressed, and hurt. Unfortunately, a lot of us will take the anger and then turn it back in on ourselves because expressing our anger feels guilty or we are forced to stuff it down because others or environments around us prohibit us from expressing it. Turning our anger back inward creates more depression, more depression leads to more anger, and so on. Dealing directly with our sources of pain negates the need to escape into anger.

Anger coming on so quickly is often the problem. Before we know it, we’ve said or done something that we regret. One of the first things to do to break the anger cycle is a very simple strategy that is actually tough to master. STOP. Stop what you’re doing, stop what you’re thinking, stop everything. Anger is like a shallow but powerful river we are caught up in. We have to be able to stand up and face the current and not allow ourselves to be swept downstream. I’m not saying stop the anger; we don’t just turn it off. I’m saying stop everything else. Stop and just focus on breathing. Breath. Just focus on that to give yourself an opportunity to break free of the current and avoid getting swept over the anger falls ahead. Once you do that, you’ve given yourself a few seconds to take advantage of other ways to cope — beathing, relaxing, leaving, changing your perspective, counting to 10, etc. From studies of physiology and anger, we know that it takes our body about 20 minutes before it really begins to calm down. Take advantage of that time before you come back to the person or situation that has triggered you.

Here are some more tips:

Rant.
Many people feel that they are out of control with their anger. Giving yourself permission to rant is in a way staying in control. Venting how you feel can also let you discharge this uncomfortable emotion.
You don’t have to explode.
Some people have learned that fighting and violence, and extreme reactions to anger, are normal and acceptable. Perhaps they grew up with examples of extreme anger and others who were out of control with their feelings. It’s important to know that these extreme reactions are not the norm.
Explore and find thinking that triggers your anger to help with future anger events.
Often it is our own thoughts that encourage our anger. Look for words like “should” and “must;” “always” and “never” are also common ones. If you can identify thoughts in your head that use those words, you can likely find irrational thoughts that have triggered you. Examples can be “He should have known better!” or “They are always like that to me.”

Overall, if you can teach yourself to stop and manage what you feel under your anger you’re doing well. There are plenty of books and writing on anger management out there. Find the ones that fit and work for you. Many with anger issues can manage it with support and practice. If you still struggle, seeing a therapist can be a more effective way to do so.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Last reviewed or updated by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on.

https://askthepsych.com/atp/2015/10/05/quick-to-anger/

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Depression Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Why Being Alone with Depression Makes it Tougher

 

Reader’s Question

I’m turning 22 in a few days. I have been depressed for almost four months now. I tried to kill myself once. If it weren’t because of my housemates, I could’ve been dead by now. My family doesn’t know I tried to kill myself. They have no clue that I have been depressed for months. What can I do? We’re not exactly the kind of family that shares everything. We’re not the kind of family that tries to comfort the other when he or she needs it. We’re more like strangers living under the same roof. I’m the total opposite of what I was before. I was the life of the party but now I’m mostly by myself. I’ll just hide in my room and do my own thing. They say I don’t talk much now. The internet is kind of my world now. Online, people may see me as this lively, happy and talkative person. But deep inside I feel empty and worthless, like I have no purpose and all. Nobody really knows me, not even my own family. I am so lost. I hope I can find help.

Psychologist’s Reply

One of the most serious effects of depression is the sense of being alone and isolated with the way you feel. From your description alone, it seems like you feel disconnected and like no one else truly understands. In working with my depressed clients, I can tell you this is very common. Many of them talk about the isolation that accompanies depression, feeling like they put on a good face to cover it up, and that if they told others about how they feel they would be judged or misunderstood. In my experience, being isolated with the way you feel just seems to intensify depression.

People isolate with their depression for many reasons. Like you, they may feel like they don’t have a supportive family or feel closer to their friends instead. Depression seems to take away our motivation to be social if we feel like we have to “fake it” around everyone else. Not having enough social support, having few friends or family can increase the risk of depression for both men and women, especially for example in women who are at home alone with young children and in those who describe themselves as isolated. Having fewer social networks and close connections are variables often associated with the onset of depression. Recent research has also identified college students with minimal social support as being at high risk for suicidal thoughts. Overall, a lack of social support — described as feeling unappreciated, unloved and uninvolved with family and friends — emerged as one of the most powerful predictors of persistent suicidal thoughts, even in the absence of other risk factors.

We need to think about depression as a captor. Depression does a great job at convincing you that you are alone, like no one misses you or that you are the only one who feels this bad. It makes you believe that no one would understand or that others would judge you if you spoke up. Listening to this we can find ourselves in both physical and emotional isolation. It is important to understand that social support is an extremely important part of recovery from depression. People are meant to be social and together. Thousands of years ago we all huddled around fires in caves and stayed in groups for protection and support. Over the generations, this need to be a part of the larger group has actually become ingrained in our DNA. I personally believe that we were not meant to handle everything on our own and that seeking connection and support is actually a strong survival skill and not a sign of weakness as commonly thought. Social connection can even help you find solutions and resources you didn’t even know were out there.

Therapy and support groups can provide us with something very critical to recovery — a sense of “universality.” Universality is the sense that you are not alone, that others understand and have felt similarly to the way you have even though their stories may be different from your own. Simply having this sense of universality has been found to be one of the most productive and healing factors in coping with depression. Research has shown too that isolation can affect an enzyme in our brain that regulates a hormone related to anxiety, aggression and memory impairment. So you see, we are literally made to be around others and connected during times of difficulty.

Disorders like depression can steal our desire to connect and often pull us to suffer alone. It can be difficult to fight this inclination to be alone when hurt and depressed. However, doing so is critical to recovery and feeling better. Many of my clients who manage to do so relate that although they did not want to socialize, once they did they felt some relief. If regular social situations like eating and movies are too much, consider interventions like individual therapy and a depression support group. Given time, these connections with others can be valuable. Connecting with the right social support is just as important as connecting itself. Peers who are supportive and accepting are obviously going to be the way to go. Research has shown that others tend to be somewhat more supportive and helpful than what depressed people give them credit for. Our initial perceptions of others’ reactions when we are depressed tends to more negative than what they should be.

Many are finding online support as well. Numerous online support groups (preferably ones monitored by mental health professionals) can be of help. New studies are even suggesting that adolescents and younger adults are more likely to text a suicide crisis line than talk to someone on the phone.

The bottom line for anyone in this or a similar situation is this: being alone with the way you feel sucks. Even though you may not have solutions to everything you are facing, you don’t have to face it alone. You weren’t built for it. You just need to push yourself to begin to build that connection. The relationships you make and support you build might just even outlast what difficulties you are going through.

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Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

When Trust Is a Problem

 

Reader’s Question

I am a 31-year-old male. I can’t trust anyone. Due to many experiences through my life I don’t see how anyone can be trusted. People get what they need from others and throw them aside once their usefulness is over. Like the rest of humanity I will always have the desire to want to be close to someone, but with not being able to trust anyone I don’t see how that will ever be possible. How can one learn to trust without going through the hurt all over again?

Psychologist’s Reply

Trust can be one of the most important parts of a relationship; the lack of trust can be the most damaging as well. Nonetheless, your difficulty in trusting others is not all that uncommon. This difficulty in trusting others may develop for many reasons. The most common reasons for this include previous negative experiences in relationships that have either aided the individual in developing fears of being hurt or simply just reinforced fears that were already there or learned. We know that trust starts very early for all of us when we are infants and dependent upon our caretakers to feed us, protect us, and comfort us. Sometimes, we over attach to the same sex parent and never develop the trusting bond with others of the opposite sex. When those around us fail to caretake, it can impact our trust of others later in life. Failing to learn to trust can lead to emotional distance in close relationships. The good news is that even if we do not experience trust early in life, we can learn to do so again.

The first step in learning to trust again is to understand that it is innate in all of us to trust and attach to other people. Despite being hurt in relationships previously, I believe this need stays around. However, it puts us in that place of wanting to trust people but feeling afraid to make it happen. We want to be close and intimate, distant from our loneliness, but are scared to do anything about it. Recognizing we need to trust others brings up uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability. Being vulnerable is a very difficult place for us to be. Some of us would rather stay safe than feel vulnerable. I see many people settle for safe and alone, sacrificing being happy and attached.

I think we have to be willing to put ourselves at risk to move forward. A difficult reality to face is that we might get hurt again. However, sometimes, that is the consequence of attachment. For many of us, we have to learn that, although the pain is great when we are hurt, it won’t kill us. It will be difficult, but we won’t die. We really have to believe we will survive a relationship ending and come out OK in the end. This can take time, and one certainly has to grieve and begin to move through the loss before doing so. Once you achieve this, you’re ready to go on to the next step.

To help along the way, here are some tips:

Take your time.
Like really take your time. After being hurt and going through a loss we need time to psychologically recover. We need distance and time to heal, get things in perspective, and grieve. Often we are hit suddenly with feelings of loneliness and the temptation to jump right back into a relationship with that person or someone new can be overwhelming. We need time to be single, with ourselves, and alone. This is often a substantial period of time when we grow tremendously. Allow yourself the privilege of that growth.
Be safe.
I don’t want this to sound contradictory to what I previously said about being safe. What I am talking about here is more the idea of making healthier choices about who you choose to be vulnerable with. Simply traumatizing yourself in bad relationship after bad relationship will only make it more difficult for you in the long run. You can’t put yourself back into a situation or a new situation and rebuild trust unless you feel safe with the other person. We need to really reflect on the situations we place ourselves in and decide if these were the best situations for us to be in or go back to. For many couples I work with in which one person has cheated, the couple often needs space to heal and then to feel safe with the other person before they can even begin to talk about rebuilding trust. If you can’t go back to a situation that can provide you with feeling safe, then I often recommend not going back.
Be open.
Finally, when in a new relationship, be willing to talk about your reservations and fears. Be open about your expectations and put your thoughts out on the table to give both of you a chance to try and work through them. Here’s where you get to practice being vulnerable, with the right person. Believe it or not, trust can actually develop from sharing and being vulnerable with others.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Last reviewed or updated by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on.

https://askthepsych.com/atp/2015/11/23/when-trust-is-a-problem/

All copyrights for this article are reserved to ask a therapist

Stress Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Staying Connected to Attention-Seeking Sister

Reader’s Question

Over the years I have suspected my sister has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Now in her late forties, her need for sexual attention is becoming more of a problem; her firm belief in her eternal sexual appeal is causing more inter-personal problems for family and friends. Knowing that any attempt to approach the problem will provoke an outburst of anger and abuse, I try to respond to her excessive behavior as I would with a child who is throwing tantrums if she doesn’t get what she wants — by largely ignoring it. However, I am beginning to realize that as she gets older, and has now been single for over six years, the same behaviors of the past seem more delusional.

Every conversation centers on her past pain, her stress, or her fear that she won’t succeed. She drinks excessively and spends beyond her means.

She has always been competitive with myself and my two brothers. She seems to want to follow career paths we choose and then becomes bored and changes direction. Recently she met my partner of three years for the first time, as we live in different parts of the country. She flirted with him openly, and now texts him constantly, imagining there is a soulmate bond — she has no idea how obvious it is, and how very embarrassing for me and my partner.

If anyone challenges her, she cuts them out of her life: she divorced her kind and patient husband six years ago because she was in love with a married man whom she considered more her intellectual equal, dismissing her husband as beneath her. She tried to seduce that married man and was rejected; when his marriage later failed due to the entanglement with my sister, my sister decided he had used her, and was no longer interested in the possibility of a relationship. When her closest friend tried to challenge her on her choice in potential partners, my sister cut her out of her life too.

When a younger man smiles at her on the street, she talks it up as proof that she is still attractive to younger men; yet whenever a man her age shows an interest, she laughs at their foolishness in thinking they are “in her league”.

After the chaos she has caused in her own personal life, she has managed to secure a part time job in the media industry, but despite being unable to handle the pressures of a professional job, she is embarking on a new course of study, hoping for a high level senior position once she graduates.

Will ignoring a sibling’s excessive attention seeking behavior just create more problems for our family?

Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds as if this has been a difficult situation for everyone in the family, and that you and your brothers (and now your partner) are at the end of your ropes in trying to manage the uproar that happens in some interactions with your sister. What I’m hearing is that you have tried ignoring her bids for attention but wonder whether that strategy could create more problems. Ignoring is certainly one way to set a boundary, and it may be worth experimenting with if it fits for you. If the ignoring is difficult to do, or isn’t working, however, some other alternatives may be worth exploring.

First, to answer your question about her behavior and a possible diagnosis, it can be helpful to try to determine a loved one’s diagnosis in an effort to help them (and yourself). I hear that you have observed the inflated sense of self, the pattern of elevating and then denigrating someone, and the interpersonal pain as possible indicators that your sister may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, finding a mental health professional to meet with your sister (or with you) to better determine a diagnosis (and rule out alternatives) as well as provide treatment recommendations may be most beneficial for her as well as for your family in learning how to interact more effectively with her.

Some personality disorders share similar features. For example, there are similarities among Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder. All three of these disorders are marked by longstanding patterns of interpersonal difficulty and maladaptive ways of managing interpersonal anxiety. What you describe may be more histrionic: attention seeking (particularly sexual in nature) and believing relationships to be closer than they actually are. The grandiosity and inflated sense of self may also fit with personality traits in that same cluster. However, if your sister is also having sleep disturbances along with the hypersexuality, inflated sense of self (grandiosity), substance abuse (excessive drinking) and excessive spending, she may also fit criteria for a mood disorder that is bipolar in nature. If your sister has a mood disorder (such as Cyclothymia or Bipolar II), medications can help her functioning. A licensed mental health professional can help determine a more accurate diagnosis and form a treatment plan.

Second, from what you describe, it sounds as if many friends and family have confronted or challenged your sister, and her response has been to cut them off to manage her own anxiety or pain. When a loved one pushes our boundaries, makes us uncomfortable, and can’t tolerate much confrontation, there are two things that are important to remember to do:

  • Take care of yourself as well as your loved one by setting clear, consistent boundaries, and
  • validate her pain and needs while also expressing your worry, love, and desire to help things get better.

Many individuals who meet criteria for a personality disorder (as well as individuals who experience bipolar disorder) respond much better when other people in their lives set clear and consistent boundaries on their time, energy, and what discussions or behaviors they will tolerate. Some examples of achieving both might go something like this:

I hear how much stress and pain you’re experiencing. I care about you and will support you emotionally in the hopes that things can get better. Sometimes, I don’t know what to say or how to help, though. I wonder if talking to someone else who isn’t a friend or family member who knows how to listen might make things better.

I’m so glad you finally met my partner and are interested in him as a person. Like you, he’s also busy with work, and doesn’t have much time to answer texts. He is glad to have met you, too, and looks forward to visiting with you when we are all together, but not to individual texts.

As you continue to navigate ways to stay connected to your sister and not feel angry with your sister, you (or anyone in a similar situation) may find it helpful to read Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Connection [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK].

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

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Self-improvement Therapy • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Get the most out of your work day

There are many emotional issues that find a corner in our heart, and refuse to die down. With time, these issues can transform into a sort of emotional tumor that impacts negatively on our daily life, such as lack of concentration, enthusiasm, self respect, will to change, encouragement, and so on. These issues can spiral into our lives in various ways and gets channelled into other zones, which can create problems in the relationships, professional life, and health.

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Self-improvement Therapy • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

How to improve your memory?

It has been believed for centuries that as we grow older, our brain functions continue to deteriorate, which also impacts and weakens our memory. However, recent medical researches and experiments have proved that our brain has the ability to grow new neurons, even as we age, a process known scientifically as neuroplasticity. The mental health of a person depends vastly on how active the person is – physically and mentally. If you keep forgetting things too quickly, or have noticed a sharp decline in your mental health in terms of memory recently, it is time to make some really important changes in your lifestyle to help sharpen and improve your memory.

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Self-improvement Therapy • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

How to get a good nights sleep?

In today’s competitive world, sleep is more of a luxury than a necessity. Sleep is important for the well being, both emotionally and physically for an individual. Insufficient sleep or no sleep has long lasting health and psychological disorders. If you have been experiencing insomnia, it may be due to a number of factors, including stress, anxiety or depression. In order to address your sleep problem, it is best to consult an experienced psychologist who can help you change your behaviour, manage feelings and emotions that may interfere with your sleep.

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Getting Motivated to Work

Query Your Own Problem! Problem from the Reader Since I lost my job a few months ago, I haven’t been able to muster …

Associations and Borderline Personality Disorder

Photo taken by Tedeytan at http :// flic.kr / p / RRxBWN- Just for show. Request a Question of Your Own! Problem from the …

When Confidence Is an Issue

Lars Plougmann’s photo is available at http :// flic.kr / p / 6zyNNg for illustration only. Ask Your Personal Issue! …