Category: <span>Anxiety</span>

Anxiety Children Therapy Confidence Couples Therapy Depression Individual Treatment Self-improvement Stress Teenage Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Setting Boundaries with Abusive Father

Ask Your Own Question!

Reader’s Question

I don’t know what to do anymore with my dad. When my parents divorced, I was 15 and I left with my dad. My whole life he always put me down, abused me in every way, manipulated me to believe anything, and even turned me against my mom. Everything he told me during the divorce turned out to be what he did, not her. So for 6 years I believed him, until I got with my husband and moved out at age 22. It turned out everything he said was a lie. He has changed me so badly that I can’t help but say sorry to anything, I blame myself for everything, I can’t take jokes no matter how small, I always put myself down, I always believe I have to do everything, and also I have to always please my father. It is now destroying my relationship with my husband. I have to call my father every day, see him once a week, and do anything he asks. I have tried so many times to end it but when he fights back, I’m not allowed to speak, he yells, fights, and even threatens to slap me. And every time I break down and back down to him. If I don’t do something soon I will lose my husband, son, everything I have. I don’t want to lose the first and only happiness in my life. He has destroyed me. I don’t know what to do and I need help.

Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like you’ve been through some difficult years with your dad, but have also been able to gain perspective and notice the things that you don’t want to tolerate any longer. Moving out of his house seems like it was the first step to understanding his tactics as well as your own responses to them.

From your description, I get the sense that two things are happening:

  1. Your father is who he is, and it is doubtful that much of that will change.
  2. How you choose to respond to your father may give you more control in the relationship.

Sometimes, people feel powerless and trapped in the pattern of how they respond to others — especially parents. In these instances, it can be helpful to think about the amount of emotional and physical distance from your father that you might be able to tolerate. I noticed a lot of “have to’s” in your description, but I’m unsure what the consequences are if you don’t acquiesce. It sounds as if there are threats of abuse when and if you engage with him — and if someone is emotionally and physically abusive, there isn’t a healthy way to keep in contact with that individual until the abuse stops.

I’m wondering what keeps you connected to your father — is it out of obligation, the false hope of getting recognition from him, or something else? If he is willing to acknowledge and cease the abuse, I’m wondering if there is a way to set firmer boundaries without “ending it” with him — the fear of you cutting him off may be driving some of this behavior as well.

The first step I would recommend for anyone in a situation like this is to sit down and write out a schedule that would work and feel safe for you in terms of communicating with your father. Putting aside his demands and needs, if it were up to you, how often would you want to check in with him on the phone? How often would you want to see him? Would you want any contact at all with him after the way he’s treated you?

Once you have a better idea of what your needs are in the relationship (and have decided whether you want to have a relationship with him at all), it may be helpful for the two of you to sit down with a neutral third party (such as a licensed psychologist or licensed therapist) to find ways to communicate these boundaries with him in a way he can hear. It can be helpful to start with something like “Dad, I love you and want you to be part of our lives, but I have my own family that I have to put first sometimes. Can we find a way to meet someplace in the middle?” Another approach might be just to begin ignoring his calls and bids, and answering or agreeing to them only when you have the time and energy for them (and for him). You have every right to set limits on your own time and energy: they belong to you. If he yells and screams, you have the right to calmly leave or hang up the phone. In this approach, it is important for you to make a conscious effort to reach out to him — especially when you are both in a calm, neutral state. Trying to make changes when flooded with anger or frustration will only escalate the problems that already exist between you.

It can be very difficult to set boundaries with parents, or with others in our lives who pull for us to pay attention to them. Your anger toward your father is valid; it’s finding a way to effectively communicate that anger and set your own boundaries that is difficult. Talking to a licensed mental health provider may be most helpful for you given the pain you’ve experienced. I would also suggest reading Harriet Lerner’s Dance of Anger [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] as another resource in figuring out how to express your feelings clearly while navigating this difficult relationship.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All copyrights for this article are reserved to ask a therapist

Anxiety Teenage Therapy • • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Quick to Anger

 

Reader’s Question

I’m a 22-year-old girl and I’m a medical student. My problem is that I get angry SO FAST! I don’t know how to control my anger and I feel really bad when I keep my rage inside!

Psychologist’s Reply

Anger is one of those common emotional states that historically brings on behaviors that we can regret and that cause us and those around us discomfort and pain. Many of those I work with who struggle with their anger relate, like you, that it often comes on fast and strong. There are many sources that can bring on anger and rage. For many, common contributors to anger include stress and depression. Being a medical student, I’m sure you can identify with the stress aspect, but depression can often be a source as well. Often we think depression keeps us sad and lethargic, far from anger. However, anger and depression can be closely associated.

With depression often comes two very important collaborating emotions — fear and pain. Anger is often a secondary emotion to a response we are already having. Fear can arouse anger when we are in our fight or flight response to some stressor. Pain can be a bit more complex. Often under our anger are feelings of hurt and emotional pain. This emotional state is quite — well, painful. Sometimes I think to avoid or escape this emotional state we jump up to anger to search for relief. Most of my clients will tell me it is easier to feel angry than feel sad, depressed, and hurt. Unfortunately, a lot of us will take the anger and then turn it back in on ourselves because expressing our anger feels guilty or we are forced to stuff it down because others or environments around us prohibit us from expressing it. Turning our anger back inward creates more depression, more depression leads to more anger, and so on. Dealing directly with our sources of pain negates the need to escape into anger.

Anger coming on so quickly is often the problem. Before we know it, we’ve said or done something that we regret. One of the first things to do to break the anger cycle is a very simple strategy that is actually tough to master. STOP. Stop what you’re doing, stop what you’re thinking, stop everything. Anger is like a shallow but powerful river we are caught up in. We have to be able to stand up and face the current and not allow ourselves to be swept downstream. I’m not saying stop the anger; we don’t just turn it off. I’m saying stop everything else. Stop and just focus on breathing. Breath. Just focus on that to give yourself an opportunity to break free of the current and avoid getting swept over the anger falls ahead. Once you do that, you’ve given yourself a few seconds to take advantage of other ways to cope — beathing, relaxing, leaving, changing your perspective, counting to 10, etc. From studies of physiology and anger, we know that it takes our body about 20 minutes before it really begins to calm down. Take advantage of that time before you come back to the person or situation that has triggered you.

Here are some more tips:

Rant.
Many people feel that they are out of control with their anger. Giving yourself permission to rant is in a way staying in control. Venting how you feel can also let you discharge this uncomfortable emotion.
You don’t have to explode.
Some people have learned that fighting and violence, and extreme reactions to anger, are normal and acceptable. Perhaps they grew up with examples of extreme anger and others who were out of control with their feelings. It’s important to know that these extreme reactions are not the norm.
Explore and find thinking that triggers your anger to help with future anger events.
Often it is our own thoughts that encourage our anger. Look for words like “should” and “must;” “always” and “never” are also common ones. If you can identify thoughts in your head that use those words, you can likely find irrational thoughts that have triggered you. Examples can be “He should have known better!” or “They are always like that to me.”

Overall, if you can teach yourself to stop and manage what you feel under your anger you’re doing well. There are plenty of books and writing on anger management out there. Find the ones that fit and work for you. Many with anger issues can manage it with support and practice. If you still struggle, seeing a therapist can be a more effective way to do so.

Please read our Important Disclaimer.

All clinical material on this site is peer reviewed by one or more clinical psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals. Last reviewed or updated by Dr Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor on.

https://askthepsych.com/atp/2015/10/05/quick-to-anger/

All copyrights for this article are reserved to ask a therapist

Anxiety Self-improvement • By HDS Therapy 0 Comments

Anxiety treatment for better tomorrow

Anxiety is something that exists in everyone’s life to a certain extent, and in a way it is medically known to be helpful as well. Because, anxiety helps us stay alert and be reactive to our circumstances, whether joyful or painful. However, when the anxiety reaches the stage where it overwhelms you mentally and physically, and affects your normal routine of life, you need the help of a clinical psychologist.

Read more

Getting Motivated to Work

Query Your Own Problem! Problem from the Reader Since I lost my job a few months ago, I haven’t been able to muster …

Associations and Borderline Personality Disorder

Photo taken by Tedeytan at http :// flic.kr / p / RRxBWN- Just for show. Request a Question of Your Own! Problem from the …

When Confidence Is an Issue

Lars Plougmann’s photo is available at http :// flic.kr / p / 6zyNNg for illustration only. Ask Your Personal Issue! …