Getting Through a Divorce

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Problem from the Reader

I am experiencing a difficult divorce. I simply wanted to know if there is anyone out there who can give me advice on how to move on.

Response from a psychologist

One of the unsettling realities of relationships is that they eventually come to an end, often on our own volition and other times in completely uncontrollable ways. Regardless, if we can’t learn to cope and eventually return, losing someone we care about can result in friendship stress. If we have constantly struggled with friendship trauma over the years, we may consider these feelings lingering and resurfacing in our new associations.

After a divorce or divorce, one way to reduce the amount of intimacy trauma we experience is to start paying close attention to our own conversations. We must pay attention to the loss-related stories we are telling ourselves. Here are a few of the typical self-talk that my customers have after breaking up.

I am helpless without them! They are essential to my career.
These are some of the most typical post-breakup thoughts that cause stress and despair. The people we care about and enjoy grow to be very significant in our lives. However, we must keep in mind that there was a time in your life when this man was no present, regardless of how close they were to you. Before you met them, there was a time before that. You managed to live without them long enough to eventually run into them, straight? On some level, you need to tell yourself that you can get by without them during the discussion with yourself. Your career has meaning outside of your marriage; perhaps you simply lost sight of it along the way.
To find them again, I’ll go to any lengths.
I frequently hear this. We may fall into a spiral of panic and despair due to the fear of being alone or the need to avoid the loss we are experiencing. The unvarnished truth is that until we acknowledge the loss of a marriage, we won’t be able to move past it. One of the hardest things to do can be to accept the reality of what has happened. You can continue to deny, haggle, beg for forgiveness, and make promises that things will change, but you won’t start to feel better until you accept truth. I know it sounds violent, but holding out hope that you two will reconcile will just make you take longer to recover. It can be very difficult to let go of that and give in to the healing.
Who will ever desire me?
Feelings of doubt and self-blame may simply result from being dumped or losing a marriage. We can easily persuade ourselves that each rejection will result in more, more rejections, and ultimately the outcome of remaining single for the rest of forever. The truth is that it hurts to be rejected or turned aside. In that dialogue with yourself, it’s easy to assume that there is something wrong with you. The majority of divorces I’ve witnessed have involved two-way roads. By that, I mean that mistakes or faults are often merely the fault of one person. Being in a relationship entails that both parties must create wholesome conditions for the connection to thrive. The connection is unlikely to last if one or both parties are unable to do this, and possibly even don’t. Your internal dialogue needs to acknowledge your role in the divorce but also acknowledge that it is not entirely your fault. It takes two people to begin a marriage and two more to stop it.
I didn’t get by myself.
It’s usually a bad idea to start dating again right away after an emotionally draining separation. We frequently act in this way to prevent feeling lonely. We believe that if we can divert our attention to a new activity, it does protect us from unpleasant emotions. The fact is that you are currently juggling the pressure of a new relationship while also grieving the previous one. What might have been the ideal connection for you could be completely ruined by that. We require time to process our costs. Everyone has a diverse amount of time, but many of us convince ourselves that when we are not ready to start over, we should be. Where you are physically in your treatment needs to be discussed in the self-talk. Do you still have the pervious people on your mind every day? Are you still scared and alone? Have you matured enough to provide a stable environment for the upcoming relation to thrive in?

You can start talking to yourself about this right away if you’re going through a divorce. If you need to, say it out loud. Begin your healing process by giving yourself space and time. If necessary, a blog can assist you in tracking your progress. There are also grief and loss aid organizations available. Ask a doctor for assistance if these emotions completely overwhelm you, which they can.

Please examine the Important Disclaimer.

One or more scientific psychologists or other qualified mental health professionals have peer reviewed all of the medical content on this website. Dr. Greg Mulhauser, Managing Editor, past reviewed or updated the work that was originally published by Drs. Peter Thomas, PhD.

To consult a doctor, all copyrights for this content are reserved.

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